We're Poor................''
We're poor, but our mean Uncle Fester says, 'If your gonna be a liar, be a good one.Ya gotta not only get the other guy to believe your lie, but ya gotta get yourself to believe it two, and defend it to the death. Like Tammy Wynette said 'Stand by you lie!' Maybe Uncle Fester is right, he got a big job in the Bush Administration. He's in Iraq. We knew 'em publicans would make us rich like 'em someday.'" "The Satirist"
We were so poor we thought Paycheck was a country singer named Johnny Paycheck who was related to Johnny Cash who was related to Cary Grant. The latter two ran a retail store called CASH and CAREY. See how everythinÂ’ fits. Why would I lie????
*We're poor, but Mama screamed, "The only thing made in Merica anymore is babies.Dem publican corporations better stop sendin our jobs to furiengnors; or we'll start votin DEMONCRATS again.Sides how's we sposed to become publicans, if we aint got no jobs?"
*We're poor, but that dont mean we ain't intellectuals sometimes. Like we created a new word "BUSHING-IT'' which means: when someone is not lying but also they are not telling the truth either. Rabbi M. shortened the word to ''Bush-It''. He's educated, you know.
*We are poor but we're informed, unfunny comedian Dennis Miller was awarded the Noble War Prize.
*We are poor, but we know where (Kid Konservative) "Tuckie" Carlson got his name. He has an older brother Ken who married Barbie. Yes. Mother named both after Kentucky.
We were so poor, mean Uncle Fester laughingly said, "Look at all 'dem corporate 'xecutives stealin' $8 eight Trillion from people's retirement funds, then makin 'dem believe 'ders nothin' they can do to get their money back. When they can, by demanding RICO laws enforcement. But, they's too scared ( they got 'em FEARED and frozen) to fight back 'gainst city hall. Told ya all, der's a sucker born every minute. Dem publicans git it right, 'It is better to take than to give.' 'It's even better to steal, if you know you can't get caught, or you bought off the politicians and the feds and statie's with the people's stolen money. Worse thing ever could happen to 'dis country if dem evil liberals and DEMONcrats got da government fundin' 'lections. Den da game be up! Would only cost bout 5 billion or less for all lections. But don't tell nobody. Otherwise dem corporate 'xecutives won't be able to rob da people blind by Trillions in artificial prices each years in the stores. Now, der's a family secret we were sworn never to tell.
We are so poor, but we loved it when Liberal Uncle Bubba tells us about his white ligfhtnin divine revelations, like “Remember yu’all whereever’s you go, you always take yourself with ya. And, especially whereever’s you go, there’s you are. Now that’s profound.
We were so poor, mean Uncle Fester laughingly said, "Look at all 'dem corporate 'xecutives stealin' $8 eight Trillion from people's retirement funds, then makin 'dem believe 'ders nothin' they can do to get their money back. When they can, by demanding RICO laws enforcement. But, they's too scared ( they got 'em FEARED and frozen) to fight back 'gainst city hall. Told ya all, der's a sucker born every minute. Dem publicans git it right, 'It is better to take than to give.' 'It's even better to steal, if you know you can't get caught, or you bought off the politicians and the feds and statie's with the people's stolen money. Worse thing ever could happen to 'dis country if dem evil liberals and DEMONcrats got da government fundin' 'lections. Den da game be up! Would only cost bout 5 billion or less for all lections. But don't tell nobody. Otherwise dem corporate 'xecutives won't be able to rob da people blind by Trillions in artificial prices each years in the stores. Now, der's a family secret we were sworn never to tell.
GOLFERS AND MAMMA:
We were poor, but we wasn’t jealous of Rich people, we was publicans wantin’ to become rich, But Mamma would get mad when she saw dem rich golfers sayin’, “Any grown man who gotta spend all day wackin’ around little white balls, aint got none.”
We was so poor, but our cousins the Bushes were so good they could play the Nice-Guy Routine, you know, “THE LIKEABILITY FACTOR’, that little Georgie was able to sell rosaries to the Pope. And we aint even catholic.
I am so poor, but I figured how to end the war with Sodom Insane. First, Iraqed and iraqed my brain all night, then I got up and Iran Iran in the morninÂ’, then it all was clear, invade Saudi Arabia.. They aint expectinÂ’ it.
We are poor, but weÂ’re loyal Publicans who donÂ’t like peoplesÂ’ callinÂ’ our vice-president Draft-Dodger Dick. He had better things to do than to fight in Vietnam---like make money. It takes money to fight a war, you know.
We were so poor, but we understood how to end the war on terrorism, ya simply gotta’ find this guy Al Kaeda, arrest him and that”s it.
We were so poor, but we read a book a week. The latest one is “SLANDER” by an Ann Coulter (aint sure bout the spellin”). It’s ‘pose to be ‘bout ‘dem liberals treatin’ we publicans so bad. The only problem is she’s callin’ dem liberals all kind’s a nasty names and insults ‘em personally by name. Sometimes even when their publicans. Our Liberal Uncle Bubba said, Well, it aint right. When were ignorant we fess up to it. We got’s that humility Jesus talked about. The book’s got a great title, but it’s the liberals that’s bein’ slandered. No, I don’t mean legally slandered or liabilitied, but it’s unchristian slander, the sinful type, which aint illegal but hurts people’s feelins’ unnecessarily. Ya, you know you can kill a person’s spirit by misusin’ you tongue and wrtin’ skills. Maybe it aint illegal but sure feels kinda dirty like --- immoral. That’s ‘jus my humble opinion, ‘cause, ya see, opinions aint slanderous.” We all agreed, in our Oprah Group, this Ann, Fancy Pants, is talkin’ and writin’ her way all the way into Hell. We’re gonna’ pray for ‘er on Sunday special.
We were so poor, mean Uncle Fester called a family meeting, only problem was half the county showed up, we’re all kinda’ related, you know. Well Fester said our ship had finally come in, we was all gonna’ be rich, he was gonna’ organize the entire family into Pres. Bush Jr’s TIPS program. Why, ‘caus the feds aint got enough secretly detained suspects. (TIPS means “TURN-IN PEOPLE SOON.’ Or TO INSURE PATRIOTIC SECURITY”). This program aint like the welfare, its where the government pays ya’ for spying on your neighbor, just like back in the USSR. We’s always doin’ it anyways. Then all’s ya’ gatta’ do is call ‘dem people “SUSPICIOUS” --- like they’re not actin’ like real Christian Americans. Then ya’ turn ‘dem liberal suckers in to the BIF or some federal revenuers. Then, the government gives ya’ money for informin’---bein’ patriotic. It’s like being a private police officer---only you don’t get no uniform like a TV private detective. Paranoid Uncle Dick loved the idea. Signed up first. Then, Uncle Fester closed the meetin’ sayin’, “Now, we can get revenge on all our enemies---who called us “White Garbage” (we never use White Trash--- it offends the family); and, specially ‘dems county DEMONcRAT liberal voters who insulted the bread we ate---callin’ us a “Bunch of IMBREADS.” But then Uncle Orwell noted “But, Fester, we’s half the county, our family’s so large. Were gonna’ run out of un-Americans to turn in? Well, responded Uncle Fester, “Now, Georgie O. when we’s runs out of revenge enemies, we’ll start turnin’ in each other, but jus’ for small stuff like forgettin’ to fly the flag on Flag Day. Not goin’ to the same church we’s go’s to.” And, everybody cheered sayin’ now we’s gonna’ be rich! We’re gonna shows everybody we’s was poor--- but we was good PUBLICANS---REAL AMERICANS.” Everyone left the meeting singin’ “Onward Christian Soldiers, Marching Out To War, Kill The Enemy For Jesus, Then Enter Heaven’s Doors……” We always writin’ new hymn lyrics.
We were so poor, but we have family feuds, like Mama hates those new kid conservatives (like wise-guy Tucker Carlson) and especially Ann Coulter, ‘caus no woman under 200 pounds can be trusted.” While paranoid Uncle Dick and mean Uncle Fester get rockets in their pockets every time she’s on TV. They get steam’in mad ‘caus ‘dem liberals (i.e., any one who disagrees with her) don’t let her monopolize the debate. Moreover, the DEMONcrats make her pout, and almost cry in petulant frustration. The uncles say they’re men of chivalry committed to protecting this distressed damsel. Modern-day knights, yeah, Knights of da Ku Klux Klan. But, Mama says they got other ideas residin’ below the belt—like undressed damsel.
We were so poor, but mean Uncle Fester, a WWII veteran, who visited London many times, said, we was smarter than those English, ’caus after 200 years since the Independence War, they still didn’t know how to speak American right; and, no matter how many times you warned them, they still drove on the wrong side of the road. ‘Sides, he tried to teach ‘dem you can’t have no democracy, when ya also worship rule by some king or queen. He said, We may be poor, but we aint retarded.” He said, Christopher Hitchens, da journalist from England, agreed with him.
We were so poor, but mean Uncle Fester said we had powers anyways. Powers over them pointy-headed liberals. “All’s you gotta do to beat dem liberals into line, is start questionin’ their patriotism or callin’ what they say Un-American. Then, they shut up, and we’s go about runnin’ ‘Merica our way. Hope’s they don’t catch on and start questionin’ our patriotism or callin’ what we say Un-Americanism. Ya see kids, you can’t prove you’re innocent against no generality or made-up accusation. You’re placed on the impossible defensive of provin’ you’re innocent against a false accusation. The best censorship is self censorship. Censorship’s is just a long word dat jus’ means gettin’ people to shut up by scarrin’ them. Now, dat’s powers. And, you know kids, I’m beginnin’ ta think that “BILL OF RIGHTS DOCUMENT” the liberals put on the Constitution, was a COMMONist plot- --goin all’s da ways back to 1787. That Jefferson guy might’ve been a pinko atheist anti-Christ type.”
We were so poor that we thought Bill Gates was “the Gates from Hell who will not prevail against the Kingdom of Heaven.” Then, we discovered he was the chairman of Microsofthead Corporation. We felt ashamed when we found out this $60 BILLIONAIRE was gonna give 1 BILLION to charity-probably for a tax deduction. He’s almost as generous as Steve Jobs financially treatment his partner Steve “The Waz” Wazniak. But we wonder, what does “60 for me and 1 for you” mean???? Steve and Bill should be canonized. Jobs the patron saint of generosity - you know “sharing.” Gates the patron saint of monopolists residing in Hell.
We were so poor that we thought bein a Christian was dressin’ like CNN reporter Christian Amanpour. Or wearin’ hardhats like Bashleigh Annfield on that MSNBC news show. Bashleigh should be singin’ “Blowin In The Wind.”
WE were so poor, we had so many enemies, we couldn’t find a big enough room to fit ‘em all in. Everyone hates the poor—you know. ‘Caus we can’t fight back. That’s why they blame all us on the welfare, we starvin’ women and children, while the rich man just steal ‘em blind in all ‘dem businesses and professions. You know, with all those artificial high price-fixing gouging. I mean, for ‘xample, Jesus was poor, look what they did to him. That’s why Mama used to always say, “Don’t tell no one we’re poor, they’ll crucify us like they did poor Jesus.”
We were so poor, we thought Radio Talk Show Host “Annis In The Morning” was a mean, rude, and sadistic liberal, everybody hates. Just like that Rush Limbaugh. Any guy with the first name of Russian, has ta be a commonist.
We were so poor, but not as poor as CNN’s Bob Novak. Fact they got their last name caus the couldn’t afford a vacuum cleaner. So, everybody started callin’ ‘em the NO-VACS. Now, why would I lie? When a hurricane came, we’d open all their doors and windas to get all the dust out. Heard he’s rich now, think we’ll go visit him in FLORIDA FOR A FEW MONTHS.
We were so poor, our women folk thought liberties was men beinÂ’ fresh.
We were so poor, we thought singinÂ’ hymns in church was all about men not women.
We were so poor, we women knew our place, flat on our backs.
We were so poor, we thought Eve was an evil woman who brought sin into the world, and thatÂ’s why women had to be punished---never could eat apples and was made afraid of snakes.
We were so poor, we thought Suzanne B. Anthony was married to Mark Anthony. And that Hussey Cleopatra was a home-wrecker.
We were so poor, but all our women-folk were chaste. Chased by every man in the county, caus they never learned the word “no.”
We were so poor, we thought Equal Rights meant we poor-folk could be bad as everyone else.
We were so poor, we thought affirmative action also had somethinÂ’ to do with a manÂ’s privates. ThatÂ’s why in the Army the last soldiers generals want killed are those privates.
We were so poor, we always thought liars were tellinÂ’ the truth.
We were so poor, we had so many enemies, we couldn’t find a room big enough to squeeze ‘em in.
We were so poor, we thought a soap was a tear-jerkinÂ’ afternoon TV romance show. Boy, aint they really true to life. By the way, what is a vixen, is it related to Dick Nixon?
We were so poor, we canÂ’t watch the Peter Jennings ABC News, cause our sister loves the handsome guy, she starts touchinÂ’ herself in bad places., and we all gotta hold here down so she wonÂ’t sin. What is sin, anyway? Is it like when youÂ’re happy doing somethinÂ’ that feels good?
We were so poor, we can’t watched “The Larry King Live” show. ‘Caus we don’t know if he’s live or dead when he runs his re-runs. Scares us. ‘Sides our politician cousin was on his Miami radio show once’d and said he looked---peeked---white as a ghost. ‘Sides any man whose gatta’ tell ya’ he’s alive, may not be alive, ya know? Ya, and we heard Marlon Brando kissed him right on the lips. You know what that means to those Mafia Dons. They should call the show, “Larry King Live or Maybe Not Alive.”
We were so poor, and Uncle Fester got so mad at ‘dem hypocrite Christians, that he began prayin’ before a picture of Richard Nixon in his shack. He said Nixon was a generous Quaker, not one of ‘dem cheap Christians. ’Sides those Christians would make ya pray for hours before they’s feed ya.
We were so poor, Mama get mad sayin’ “What’s this Dollar Bill BUCKley nationally reviewing anyways. Makes no cents.”
We were so poor, but we loved BARRY GOLDWATER, not caus he had gold but ‘caus he was a publican like us.
We were so poor, we was never edacated. But, we were not dumb. Â’Sides many presidents never went to no college.
We were so poor, we thought Richard Nixon was not a crook. You see, one thing’s fur sure, Presidents don’t lie. “I am not a crook!” is proof enough for us. ‘Sides Mama says, “Since satan already is president of Hell, Dick is gonna resurrect and become our president again ‘caus the apocalypse is comin’.”
We were so poor, but we believe Kenneth Whitiker Starr Chambers should be appointed to the US Supreme Court---to select our next president.
We were so poor, but Mama taught us “There aint no justice unless both sides are mad at the judge and jury.”
We were so poor, but we like those gold sergeant stripes on Judge Rhenquist’s robes. Reminds us of the case “Gilbert V Sullivan.” You know, where the judge took so much pain medication, he ruled for both sides simultaneously. No one was guilty in his court ‘cept liberal commonists.
We were so poor, Mama used to get mad and say, “The Rich run the world now, specially dem corporations, but the poor shall inherit the Earth after The Second Comin’. Then, those greedy Rich gonna be workin’ for us for minimum wage. Let ‘dem try to live on that.
We were so poor, Mama used to get mad and say, “Dem Rich-Men got the Middle-Class-Man blamin’ the Poor-man for all the Middle-class-man’s problems. Der aint but little welfare left, now who they gonna blame?”
We were so poor, Mama used to get mad and say, “Der ain't no Justice. Just JUST US for the middle-class and especially the Rich Man. You know, they got special country-club prisons for the Rich Man? But the poor man he gets hard time, not knowin’ if a bunch of men gonna’ start winkin’ at him. If ya get my meanin’.”
We were so poor, Mama used to get mad and say, ”Never steal nothin’. It’s against the Lord’s laws. But if you gonna steal, never steal anythin’ small. Millionaires steal millions from corporation’s investors and employees. Ya don’t see ‘em spendin’ long times in the Big House like your Daddy. Like the Savin’s and Loan 500 Billion scandal, Can you remember how many peoples went to jail and for how long? Think ‘bout it chillern. Never steal anythin’ small!”
We were so poor, Mama used to get mad and say, ”Don’t think they pay we white poor and the poor black people the welfare ‘caus they like us. It’s ‘caus ‘Merica is richest country in the world, and they don’t wants us to rebel and ruin everythin’”
We were so poor, Mama used to get mad and say, “They say get a job you lazy poor bum. Let ‘dem try raise a family of 12 on $5.00 an hour.”
We were so poor that we thought a feminist was that gay guy in town.
We were so poor, but Mama got mad when the newspaper was read to her, “ What’s goin on in this country? Politicians are supposed to lie, cheat and steal; not corporation’s ‘xecutives and their Boards. Sounds like the Pocalyse is comin’ “.
We were so poor that we thought they wrote “The Grapes of Wrath” about our family.
We were so poor, the only relative of ours who made any money was James Carville.
| We're Poor.....''
We're Poor, but we love our Good-Guy Pres Bush.He's a rich publican, but jus one down-home folks jus like us. He's not like other politicians, he gives us strait talkin---even if there lies.Der's no beatin round dat Bush, he's a bushwacker.The little shrub (Thanks Molly!) Sides all great men were short: like Xander the Great was 5-3, Napolean was 5-2, Stalin was 5-4, Hitler was roun 5-6, and St Peter was 5-4.Anyways his lies are the truth.Ya see, he believes it the truth that he's tellin a lie, therefore, he tellin the truth about lyin.Sides all politicians lie.Jus shows to go ya.
*We're poor, but that dont mean we aint informed, Liberal Uncle Bubba makes us all watch "The Capital Gang'' Saturday nights. Once, though, Uncle B. heard our Bob Novak call his beloved Miss Margaret a ''Stalinist.'' First Uncle B thought it was some kind of fiddle-player, but when we told him it meant a ''COMMONISTS'' he became a ragin bull. He screamed ''That Novak is a Capital Gangster." He threw his vhite lightnink jug into the TV and was gonna pay Novak a visit. Took seven of us to subdue that 6-4 370 lb country boy. He loves his Miss Margaret. Rabbi Moskovitz's we think is also a liberal. He told Uncle B, ''Hey, Baba, I think-it that Novak guyz a Ukrainian-Russian Cassock. Boy, vonce they persecuted you, you stayed persecuted.''We were so poor, but we loved Bob Novak. Peoples said he was mean. But that's jus because the teachers made him play Scrooge in every Christmas play. One Christmas he was gived a quarter as a present. We, of course, beat him up tryin to steal it. Ya never saw such a tight fisted human being. Betcha he still has that quarter. Now that's a good publican for ya.
We are poor, but we aint perfect, our paranoid Uncle Dick insists theirs a liberal conspiracy. That Mark Shields is really Mother Angelica from EWTN, but without that habit. Uncle Dick says, "Ya, Shield's left the EWTN role caus of the sex scandal and caus CNN offered him more money. Its a free country everybody's got a right to their own opinion, which means the birthright to make a complete fool of themselves. But, come to think of it, Mother A hasn't been on EWTN since........ No, I can't be true.
We are poor, but we got feelins like our liberal Uncle Bubba. Every time he watches Miss Margaret on Capital Gong, his eyes are big like saucers and his mouth drops open. Especially since her new haircut. He says, "I cant help it Lord, I jus love that woman, except for one flawed, she should give her kid brother Tuckie a kick in the you know where.
We are poor, but if Sodom and that Korean guy launch nukes again us, we's is goin to stick to Draft-Dodger Dick Cheney like a cheap suit. Heck, he knows where all the good hidin places are.
We are poor, but mean Uncles Fester says war is good, caus it kills-off people leavin more food for the rest of us.
We are poor, but we like that Bill O'Reilly, caus he hates the same people we do. Thems liberals better stop pickin on em. But we loves Phil Donahue, like he was Oprah, caus he loves the same peoples we do, the poor. But, we's wonderin why Oprah don't be speakin-up for poor people no more. And, ya know, that Dr. Phil of hers needs to get some therapy.
We were so poor, but we understood the bill of rights. Our Liberal Uncle Bubba says, “Ya’all got free speech rights, longs everyone agrees with ya. If they, in the majority, don’t, you’s in big trouble. Especially, if they ars’ the rich. Then, ya gotta shut up and play dumb. Say you aint interested in no politics. Say you aint got no opinion. You know, yes ‘em to death, tell ‘em how smart they are.
We are poor, but we know when our kids are becomin’ liberals, they start askin’ questions. That’s when ya slap ‘em down. Nip it in the bud.
We are poor, but when is CNN gonna’ end the Internship of CNN’s Tucker Carlson. He keeps missin’ all his High School classes. They got laws, you know. Anyway, edjiacation will make ‘em a better Kid Konservative. See ya next Summer, ya little Tucker ya, before ya start that College. Wouldn’t he and beautiful Ann Coulter make a wonderful married couple. And, whose that beautiful Margaret Carlson we’s always sees him with, our Liberal Uncle Bubba is crazy ‘bout her. But, Uncle Bubba says “Me marryin’ Miss Margaret is ‘bout likely as that Philanthropist Bob Novak handin’ out $100 bills to the Broadway Homeless at Christmas time.”
WE ARE SO POOR , BUT THAT DON’T MEAN WE DON’T UNDERSTAND POLITICS. like THEY SHOULD REDUCE THAT orange TERRORIST ALERT TO yellow to match the stripe down the backs of all those “CHICKENHAWKS.” Oh, does this mean we’ll be arrested by secret Homeland Security Agents and detained in secret place, with secret charges, with secret lawyers, tried and convicted at a secret trial, with secret evidence, and then be sent to a secret prison for life in s secret segregated cell (with only two books to read: Mein Kampf and 1984) , until the secret war is over, or maybe secretly executed , buried in a secret grave.
WE were so poor, but we was grateful for peoplesÂ’ help, we weren't like those ten leopards Jesus cured, only one came back to thank Him, the other 9 leopards sure showed their spots. By the way, that leopardÂ’s name was Bob Novak the famous humanitarian-who gives money away on street corners.
We were so poor, mean Uncle Fester called another county family meeting, “Heed me, ya’ll. Let’s join the president’s anti-forest fires program. Makin’ our county a national example. Ya see, It’s all about that Greenhouse Affect. The scientists say is the ruinin’ the earth. And its gonna to kill us all ‘ventually. By sun death rays. So, what we have to do is use our brains. If we kill all the trees, bushes and all the green stuff out there, then ther‘ll be no more greenhouse effect!-‘Caus all the green will be dead. Get it? The lumber companies told me they’ll help . They agreed, as the real Americans they are, to cut down and haul away all and every green tree and bush. And, can you believe it, -- for free!!! Now that’s bein’ good ‘Mericans. All’s da family’s got to do is clear away all the grass and the rest of the green underbrush---the green monster stuff. Now’s here’s the genius in it, the road building and asphalt companies are goin’ to pave our entire county with black asphalt--- every inch. Then, send the bill to the president. Then, we’re gonna for publicly march on Washington, to show how we’ve prevented forest fires forever. Asking the rest of the country to follow our example. Because if ‘der aint no trees and no Greens things, there can’t be no fires. Did ya ever see a fire in the desert? Of course not. ‘Caus there aint no green stuff. Ladies and gentlemen, we gots a new standard of living for all. No more water bills... When it rains, all the water will flows to lowest part of the asphalts, and all’s we have to do is pump it up to our new trailers. Yes, no more shacks, ‘caus we’s poor, the government will give us trailers jus’ like ‘em in the Florida ‘mergency. We won’t even need roads ‘cause everythin’ will already be paved. And, in the wintertime it’ll be warmer. ‘Caus when it don’t snow, the black will attract more heat from the sun. “ This president knows what he’s doin’. The Bush family started in the nursery business growing bushes for people. That’s how they got to be renamed the Bush Family. Now, listen up, they aint related to the beer –Bushes in St. Louis. Dem Bushes aint God-fearin’. ‘Sides they compete with our white lightning business. Most of all folks, those liberals environmentalists can’t complain no more, ‘cause there aint gonna be no more forest fires. ‘Caus there aint gonna be no more green. Betweens you and me, that’s why those pointy-headed liberals are joinin’ the Green Party---they’re tryin’ to destroy God’s good Earth---dem atheists. Then we can ask to be declared a national park. Then ask the President to give us those environmentalist park ranger jobs. But, 340 pound Liberal Uncle Bubba, asked “But, where’s we goin to grows our crops, if we do this?” Uncle Fester laughed, “Bubba, they’re gonna put us on that food stamp program you liberals started,. We wont need farmin’ no more.” Liberal Uncle Bubba said “Sounds good, but, Fester, I LIKE THE COLOR GREEN” Fester replied, “But, Bubba dat’s only ‘caus you been possessed by dem demon liberal DEMONCRATS spirits. You’ll see ya won’t be no liberal no more when all the green’s gone and all’s Black. You’ll be reborn .a ‘Publican. Paranoid Uncle Dick spoke up, “Fester it’s a good idea, let’s do it, but can I be the one who carries the flagpole to Washington? Fester laughed, “Long as you can keep your flagpole up?” All the Ladies began snickering. “OK”, ended Uncle Fester,” Now let’s get to work. Go out and starts clearin’ away the “Green” underbrush.” Everybody Cheered, Were gonna to be rich ‘jus like the other Publicans.” The family rushed out singin a new song called, “Pave the World” sung to the tune of “Feed the World …………”
We were so poor, mean Uncle Fester laughingly said, “Look at all ‘dem corporate ‘xecutives stealin’ $8 eight Trillion from people’s retirement funds, then makin’ ‘dem believe ‘ders nothin’ they can do to get their money back. When they can, by demanding RICO laws enforcement. But, they’s too scared ( they got ‘em FEARED and frozen) to fight back ‘gainst city hall. Told ya all, der’s a sucker born every minute. Dem publicans git it right, ‘It is better to take than to give.’ ‘It’s even better to steal, if you know you can’t get caught, or you bought off the politicians and the feds and statie’s with the people’s stolen money. Worse thing ever could happen to ‘dis country if dem evil liberals and DEMONcrats got da government fundin’ ‘lections. Den da game be up! Would only cost bout 5 billion or less for all lections. But don’t tell nobody. Otherwise dem corporate ‘xecutives won’t be able to rob da people blind by Trillions in artificial prices each years in the stores. Now, der’s a family secret we were sworn never to tell.
We were so poor, but Mama got mad saying, “They gotta bring back Jimmy Swaggart! He was jus researchin’ and investigatin’ the sins or pornography and prostution. How’s a man of God gonna’ help us sinners, if he don’t know first hand what sinnin’s like? You know like ‘dem cathlic priests tell people how to run their marriages. I miss Jimmy’s castragsratin’s of us for our sinin’. Put the fear of God in ya. More FEAR, ‘dat’s what we need, it keeps da people in line, like UNITED, and doin’ what the government tells ‘em. And, what’s all this Swaggart hypocr... stuff ‘bout some fat zoo animals from Africa. Yeah, and da same for Joe McCarthy, ‘dem liberals did somethin to ‘em. Don’t see him on the TV no more. Tells ya its those liberal reporters--- DEMONcrats - atheists all. Thank God, their editors are conservative publicans like us. Censorship of liberals is good, those unpatriotic COMMONists. Betcha they don’t fall down and worship the flag like we ‘s do every morning. And they don’t know where US flags are made. In Poland, of course, ‘dat’s why we call it ‘da flag pole.”
We were so poor, we had an Uncle Dick who was a paranoid patriot. He didn’t even trust himself ---thought he might unknowin’ly commit treason. So, he had cameras in every room recordin’ him 24/7 ‘jus in case he became possessed by one of those liberal DEMONcrats. Also kept Tucker Carlson’s telephone number right by his bedside, ‘jus in case. She knows alls bout da vast liberal conspiracy to select the President by the courts, and take over da country.
We were so poor, we thought John Dean really did know who DEEP THROAT was. What is DEEP THROAT anyway? Our movie star cousin Linda kept sayinÂ’ it was one of her pictures. You know, movinÂ’ pictures.
We were so poor, we knew who DEEP THROAT was, but would never tell; ‘caus it would be mean and embarrass him.
We were so poor, and from Arkansas, we resent that Miss Harmonica Blowinski for gettinÂ’ our Billy Clinton in trouble. They were gonna hang the poor guy on a peach tree. Impeach him, for what??? Makes ya mad.
We were so poor, but we sent our food money into Reverends Fallwell, Robertson and the 700 Club. Caus we’d rather starve, than not go to Heaven. ‘Caus in Heaven there’s all the food you can eat.
We were so poor, we thought CBSÂ’s 60 Minutes should have been called The Hour Show. Jus goes to show how dumb erducated people cane be sometimes.
We were so poor, we thought Ronald Reagan was a movie star, not the President. We think he was jusÂ’ The Acting President. A nice guy, but who would elect an actor President?
We were so poor, we thought John Wayne was really fightinÂ’ in those movies. Some idiot was sayinÂ’ John Wayne was a draft dodger, and never served in the military. We beat him up for beinÂ’ unAmerican. Besides, we like those Brooklyn Dodgers. Anyways, sayinÂ’ John Wayne was not in the WWII military, is like sayinÂ’ Audey Murphy wasnÂ’t.
We were so poor, we still don’t understan’ what “Richard Nixon before he Richard’s you” means??? Now there was a president. He could, lie cheat and steal better than any politician we ever seen.
We were so poor, we are terrorized about being terrorized.
We were so poor, we figured that if Dan Rather called terror “Tera” and error “Era,” the the word mirror must be pronounced “Mira.” Now there’s a smart man. Thank God he’s conservative like us and not a commonist.
We were so poor, but we donÂ’t want Tom Brokaw to retire. We figured with a name like that , anybody can make it, even us. Not datÂ’s thereÂ’s nothing wrong with that Brian Williams guy. Long as he aint no liberal commonists.
We were so poor, we thought ABC’s Cokie Roberts was in the cocaine business. Until we found out her maiden name was Boggs which means God in Russian. And, one thing Mama warned us, “Never mess with God!”
We were so poor, we hated that liberal George Will. ‘Till we found out he was a Chicago Cubs fan. Nobody who likes the Cubs can be all bad. So, we prayed, and forgave him.
We were so poor, we thought Sen. Bob Graham D-FLA and Rep. Porter Goss R-FLA claiming to be heads of intelligence committees in Washington were just lyin’ politicians. ‘Caus there aint no intelligent people in Washington. Then we watched them at work with Rep Nancy Pelosi and Sen Shelby, and discovered we was wrong. We apologize. Sounds impossible, but they prove government can work. Long as they don’t send those revenuers to bust are stills. Without white lighten’ we couldn’t think straight. But, that Nancy Pelosi is called the Whip. And I think she’s from CA ---San Francisco. Does that mean she’s one of ‘dem dominatrixes? We got a cousin Trixie, she’s loves beatin’ up on men. What is a dominatrix anyway?
We were so poor, we asked Mama the difference between the Women’s Equal Rights Movement and Feminism? She said the first was where women’s fought to get all the legal rights and job-pat men got. But that she preferred feminism, which did the same thing but also allowed you to get revenge against all men who done you wrong. And, you could make lots of money if ya claimed Sex Rassment. Our cousin Bubba’s wife shook hands with the college dean where she worked, claimed sex rassment and they paid her lotsa money, like tha Paula Jones. The Dean’s now a holemeless man who wanders round some city repeating, “I didn’t do it.”
We were so poor, we thought Uncle Tom’s Cabin belonged to Justice Clarence Thomas. You know the one who always says, “Yes Sir” to that Chief Justice Justice Scalia.
We were so poor, we thought the winner of the World Wrestling Champion should automatically become President. Look at Jesse Ventura he became a Governor, and they named a LA freeway after him.
We were so poor, but we knew Martha Stewart was a PO. Yeah, her father came from PO-land to Jersey.
We were so poor, but when we heard people sayin Roy Rogers was not a cowboy but came from Ohio. We beat em up caus thatÂ’s unAmerican. Sides without Roy der be no Broadway Musicals like Rodgers and Hammerstein. And, his sister Ginger never would have danced with that skinny Fred Asstair.
We were so poor, we thought the most intelligent man in the world was TVÂ’s Dr. Professor Erwin Corey.
5:17 AM 11/25/03
We were so poor, but our wise Mama used to say, ”You takes that Islam Muslamb problem. Alls they gots to do to stop em from killin us is jus’ tell ‘em their God Allah is our very same God. We both worshippin’ the same God so what’s all the fightin’ ‘bout.”
We were so poor, Mama used to say, “Remember no politician stands for principle, they stand for SALE.”
We were so poor, but we was never prejudiced, even Uncle Fester said onced’ “Sometimes, even ‘em pointy-head liberals get it right. Like that Harvard Dershowitski fella’, he’s all for a good Nazi National Identification Card, and says torture of aliens is good like stickin’ needles under their fingernails.”
We were so poor, but Uncle Fester gave up Christianity sayin’ “Dem apostels, they owned everythin’ in common---they was COMMONists. And, ‘dem liberals were preachin’ false rumors Jesus was Jewish. Any idiot knows nobody can be Jewish and Christian at the same time.”
We were so poor, but Uncle Fester said, ”If you do somthin’ wrong, don’t have no gilt, ‘caus gilt is a four letter word.” We were so poor, our neighborhood dawgs and cats would go missin’ after the welfare ran out..
We were so poor, we were members of the Publican Party not the rich democrat Pharisee Party, ‘cause what the Lord said in that Gospel story.
We were so poor, we thought that the “Beat the Press” program was run by Tim Russert-potato, caus he the model design for Mr. Potato-Head.
We were so poor, we loved that song “there’s no Place like your own Home-shack.” ‘Side a man’s shack is his castle. Says so in that constatutuon.
We were so poor that Mama told us we was related to kings—like Larry King.
We were so poor, we thought J. Edgar Hoover was the president who started the depression. Not some guy wearin’ a “little black nightie” at the NY Plaza Hotel. (Hi. Mrs. Bronfman, it’s me! Having’ the time if my life! Hope all’s well with you!)
"Pat Robertson claims God revealed to him, Bush will be re-elected. But, God told me, Bush will lose. I don't know who his God is. But, God said 'That Robertson better stop using My Name; or else!' Now, me and Uncle Bubba know God, and we know He would never talk to that right-winger. God's a Liberal'' ''The Skeptical-Cynic''
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